The beat goes on...

Did you ever find a new path and have it feel so right that you start tap dancing in the kitchen?

I've been struggling with my career path for over 20 years. In my 20s, I was so convinced that I would be a Broadway star that I quit school, left my husband, sold my car and moved to New York City. I will never regret the move, but it (obviously) didn't have the outcome I expected.

I've never finished school, which has been a bugaboo for me for years. I've been to graduation ceremonies for my sister's kids and I always felt bummed out afterwards. I already struggle with my feelings of being a failure and that exacerbates it. Not that I'm not proud of my nieces and nephew. I couldn't be prouder. They're all very successful in their respective fields and are wonderful people to boot.

I thought about going back to finish my Bachelor's, but that would require retaking a bunch of classes in order to have enough local credits to graduate. I thought about changing up my degree and going after Fashion Design. I loved (and aced) the one class I took, but the time and coin required to do a full degree on a part-time basis was daunting. Also, there was no real guarantee that I'd end up as a designer. The competition is fierce and I'm twice as old as most of my classmates were.

My husband is set to retire within a few short years. Our household is going to go through a shift soon and it's going to require my picking up the financial slack. It has become increasingly clear that my dramatic and artistic pursuits aren't going to be reliable sources of income. On one hand this breaks my heart, because I enjoy entertaining and creating. I do realize that my style may not have a mainstream audience. I've made peace with that. I've also made peace with the fact that, no matter how talented I am, I may not be what the director is looking for. I'm kind of a niche girl. With a very narrow niche.

What's a girl to do? I don't want to work as a check out girl, even at Target or a craft store because I'll spend more than I make. I had that problem when I worked at Hancock's. That's part of the reason why I have such a large fabric stash. No lie. Employee discounts are a dangerous thing around me.

Well, Let me tell ya a li'l story: When I had my nervous breakdown, part of what brought it on was that I was trying to work in a creative job as costume builder. I was going to use the money I earned to start my design business, Tequila Diamonds. When that fell waaay through, blammo! I had a nervous breakdown. What I needed was a trade.

Now, the notion of massage therapy has been ruminating since high school when we gave each other backrubs in acting class. I was just more focused on the acting. The idea has come and gone over the years. Apparently I’m pretty good at giving massages as many friends have suggested that I do it for a living. It recently came to the fore when my mom gave me a salon gift certificate for the express purpose of getting a massage and the salon didn’t have a therapist on the payroll when I called for the appointment. I thought, “I could do that. I should do that.”

I found a local massage therapy school that not only trains you to work at a spa or salon, but also more clinical aspects of transformative healing. They not only teach Eastern forms, but Western as well, which is more of what I'm interested in, but I can get a broader selection of tools to use and be more prepared for the job market as a result. The best part? They only teach massage therapies. I won't have to take anything not related to being the best therapist I can be. Their application process is rigorous. They aren't just looking for the most students (and their money) like some schools I could mention but won't, they're looking for the right students. I have a couple more steps to get in the door, but so far, things are looking up.

I'm not going to do any acting during this 20 month period of studying, except maybe some short, special appearance gigs. I'm still going to work on my art projects in my free time. There are times when I simply must create. I'm going to continue blogging and field tripping.

But I have to say, as I was researching schools for this path, the site for CenterPoint stood out to me. Everything was up front and honest. When I called, I received a return call within minutes and the follow up was incredibly professional and thorough. I also discovered that there was quite a spectrum of opportunities beyond the salon. In addition, I think I'll receive a host of therapeutic benefits from doing something that really interests me and helps others.

Did I finally find that elusive career? I feel I have. I've been tap dancing in the kitchen for the last few days.

So, Flowerpots, did you find your path yet? Did you settle for your career or did you settle into it? I'll just leave that here for you to ruminate upon...
 

What is "Perfect" anyway?

Dictionary.com defines the word "Perfect" thusly:

per·fect

 [adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]

adjective

1.

conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect gentleman.

2.

excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. The proportions of this temple are almost perfect.

3.

exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr. Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.

5.

accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.

Yet, when I hear the word, I cringe. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, or what we believe is the socially acceptable notion of perfect. All the plastic surgery in the world won't make a person "perfect" because they'll have the scars. There's no "Perfect time" to get married, change jobs, have children, but so many people wait for that elusive perfection, that they often miss out on something that, while not perfect, is certainly wonderful. How many criminals believed they had committed "the perfect crime" only to be convicted? How often has the "Perfect couple" split up? The "perfect" day gone awry?

I've put off a lot of things waiting for perfect; I've scrapped a ton of projects because they weren't perfect. I didn't want to start this blog (and certainly wouldn't do any demo videos!) until my studio was perfect. Guess what? It's still not ideal, but here I am, typing away, gathering ideas for videos that will eventually be filmed in my messy, cramped studio. I will say it's better than it was, but it's not... well, you know.

When I went to Dictionary.com for this, the daily word was echt. One I've never ever heard of, but one which couldn't have been more (dare I say it?) perfect for this entry.

echt

  \ ekht \   adjective; 

1.

real; authentic; genuine.

As I'm pecking away at things that aren't just the way I expected them to be, I've noticed one thing they all have in common. They're loaded with echt-ness. I mean, look at this thing! I don't know why it's not staying within the perimeters of my blog layout, but I don't know how to fix it, either. And there ya have it. Echt.

I pride myself on being echt. I encourage others to be as echt as they can be. Which is why the health issues of my last year were so disappointing. I suffered a nervous breakdown, followed by conversion disorder. I went to a bunch of specialists, had several MRIs, the first of which presented us with what would later (after being called a tumor, which is what took my father) be labeled as a lesion. I've probably had it all my life, but to be on the safe side, I went through all the testing for Multiple Sclerosis: EKG, EMG (which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy), Sleep EEG, spinal tap (and blood patch because it didn't heal and I was leaking spinal fluid). I kept hoping it was MS. Why would I want something so horrible? Because then it would mean it wasn't my fault. 

There had been a lot of things which led up to the breakdown, but I had been under stress before. Greater stress, actually. I'm a survivor of rape, I watched my father battle cancer, I've been stalked, I've had two children, one of whom has autism spectrum disorder, I've lived on my own in New York City in the 90s. You know, back before all the hipsters took over and it was still dangerous and cool. So I did not want to cop to the diagnosis of nervous breakdown. I'm too strong for that. Right?

The events leading up to it were numerous and offered a variety of stressors, some of which involved my perceived perfection. All I could think of when it finally got down to "you had a nervous breakdown" was, how could I have let all those outside influences take me over like that? I know I'm not perfect, so why was I so worried about it? Well, okay, the only thing I could come up with is that, deep down, we all wish we could be perfect. Our lives would be so much better, right? But I look around and I have shelter, enough to eat, a family who loves me. I even painted a family sign that hangs on our house that reads, "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." I was disappointed in myself for not embracing my humanity, flaws and all.

What does this have to do with sewing or art? Well, as artists, I believe we all strive for perfection. Just as an athlete works out every day to get better and better, we study our craft(s) and work toward perfection. Sadly, we too often compare our work to that of others. I had a boyfriend when I lived in New York who was an artist. I liked the style of his work. It was bold and colorful. His best friend is one of these guys who can paint something and have it look like a photograph. Gene was always putting his work down because it didn't look like Phil's. I actually preferred the broad lines and astonishing surrealism of his work, but he couldn't see it or appreciate it for what it was: his echt.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I had grand notions of making my own maternity clothes. On my first trip out, I put the sleeves on backward and couldn't get the seams to lay flat, so I chucked it. I recently found it (almost 12 years later!) in a box in my studio. I really liked the fabric. It seemed a shame that it was just hidden in a box, wadded up in a ball of frustration. So I started to take it apart. Then I fussy cut a few of the motifs into 9 inch squares. I rummaged through my stash and found several fabrics which coordinated with the colors and theme of the print. This was born...

I'm not quite finished with it yet, but when I do git 'er done, I'll have something far more lasting than a maternity top. I may even be able to sell it, who knows?

The other day I went to one of my favorite fabric haunts, Mill End Textiles, which is sadly going out of business. However, it means there are hella good deals going on and I partook, oh, yes, I did. They're also selling the items they've had on display - quilts, pillows, clothing - all made by the people who work and shop there. I bought this pillow, partially because it looks so cool, partly because I wanted to snoop at it and figure out how it was made, but mostly because it was the perfect example of what I'm trying to say here. I'm not the only one who makes imperfect things that still look pretty darn cool.

Cool, right? Like you're looking through glass cubes.

But look at the red border. There's a good 1/8 inch sway in the seam.

Notice how the seams don't even come close to matching.

My first attempt at coordinating a pair of peacock panels to go with two others. I often work without a plan or pattern. I was running out of fabric and options. I did worry that it wouldn't look right.
I ended up changing the blue border into a feather border because I didn't want 2 blue borders next to each other,
which is what would've happened had I left it alone. So I changed it.  No big deal, no worries.  

...And it turned out to be more interesting. Not perfect, but echt and interesting. You also get a sneak peek of my messy studio.

The makers of echt Persian rugs (see what I did there?) always leave a mistake in the pattern. They believe that only God can be perfect and to try to out-shine God is a sin. I don't believe in the supernatural, but I do believe that the idea there is sound; humans aren't perfect, and we shouldn't try to be. We should do our best, certainly, but if things don't quite go the way we expected, we don't have to be so hard on ourselves. 

Here's your assignment: Go though your discarded projects, salvage what you can, recycle what you can. You may even decide it's not as bad as you thought. Of course there's the chance that you'll say, "Good gravy! What was I thinking?" and that's okay, too. If it's isn't echt to you, chuck it. Take it to the thrift store where it may be echt for someone else. Try to be as echt as you can be. Let me know how that turns out...

No, really. Let me know.