Dressing in colors of the sun: Day three ramblings...

I think it may be working. Day one was lousy. I wore every bright color in my closet and still spent most of the rainy day contemplating how to get out of doing things that need to be done and sleeping. Horrible. The weather doesn't help ye olde fibromyalgia one whit either, so it was a day of aches, pains and feeling like I must weigh over 500 pounds. It's the strangest phenomenon. I feel like there's a very heavy blanket pinned down over me and movement is difficult.
Day two was better. I managed to get out of the house and get some fruits and veggies. A colleague of my husband's was over during the weekend and explained how he lost around 50 pounds with juicing. Now my husband is back on his juicing kick. This meant a mid-week grocery run for more fruits and veggies because by Sunday evening, we were out of everything. Sigh. But at least the coral sweater and blue scarf with little coral flowers on it seemed to help. I even put on some earrings. I know! Tres chic!
The worst part of yesterday was that, not only did it rain all day, there were moments of snow. That dirty, four-letter word. Tomorrow is May first. Get your poop in a group, Mother Nature.
Forcing myself out into the sleet also seemed to help my mood a bit. I made a stop at Goodwill, since it's smack dab in between my new grocery store and my house (I checked the GPS, "smack dab" is very accurate).
I have a new rule when thrifting for myself. I won't spend over $20 and I will only buy things in the colors of the sun. At least for the Summer. That may change in the fall when I'm looking at sweaters, but for now, I'm going for bright. I'm going for bold. I'm also going for skirts. I wear pants every single day. Usually jeans, but sometimes I actually change back into my pajama pants after a while. Don't worry, the pair I'm wearing today are neon orange. Oh, yes, the are a color of the sun!
Anyway, with Summer creeping ever slower upon the horizon, I'm thinking about how I'm going to be too hot unless I wear the dreaded shorts. I hate shorts. I don't really care for short skirts, either. I've always had a love/hate relationship with my legs anyway, but I really hate the idea of exposing them in the Summer. I'm kinda weird, I guess. But I'm going to be in school over the Summer months, at least three days a week. I'll want to be comfortable. I'm also hoping to go for walks on my Tuesday/Thursday lunch breaks.
I used to belly dance and I still have a great love for the style of clothes I wore when dancing, so that's what I'm currently hunting for when I thrift. I found an orange, floor-length tiered skirt yesterday. It's exactly what I'm hunting for - I could totally belly dance in it. I found two other skirts and an Indonesian carved book rack for my cookbooks and spent $17. Boom. That made me feel even better than the earrings!
So now we're on Day Three. Three days in a row of rain, cold, mist, and wind. I spent my wad yesterday, have no real errands out of the home today and I really think that's what made me feel the best yesterday - getting out of the house. It's such a First World Problem, having nowt to do. Not that I have nothing to do, just nothing that takes me out of the house and into the world of the living. People who have very stressful, busy, full lives don't understand why someone who doesn't have to do anything should feel depressed. Well, I'll tell you. Everyone needs a purpose. When you don't feel like you have one, you lose yourself. You lose yourself, and that brings on a host of depression related illnesses.
Tomorrow night I have the orientation meeting at the massage school. I'm really looking forward to that. It's actually one of the reasons I'm having a hard time picking out what to do around the house. I'm so excited about going back to school that everything else seems so much more boring than usual. I've finally found something that feels like a true "calling", if you will. I've found a purpose. I'm going to be helping people feel better, healthier and more relaxed. What could be better than that? When you feel like you have a purpose, even if it may seem unimportant or even frivolous to some, everything else seems to work itself out. The pieces fall into place and if one's not quite in the right place, you're more capable of getting it into its place.
When I was in college I had a wonderful professor, Dr. Robert S. Joyce. About 14 years ago, he passed away. After his memorial, a bunch of us were sharing our stories about him and one woman was explaining how she had called Doc recently, explaining that she really wanted to go back to her old job because she had really loved the company and the job itself even though the money wasn't as great and she had just bought a house.... all sorts of excuses for not going back to what she loved doing, even though her new job left her empty and miserable. Bob said to her, "If you don't love it, don't do it." She took that advice and went back to her old job (which was a fortunate situation that happened to work out) and never looked back. There may have been financial issues with her mortgage and all, but she was able to handle them better because she was in a place where she could think and be productive, not only in her job, but in the rest of her life because she wasn't always worried about how much she disliked what she was doing.
During all of those years since I heard this story, I've been searching for the job I will love. I do believe I've finally found it, and going to massage therapy school will get me there. At long last, I'm on my way, are you? Have you even thought about what your way is? Where are you going? Are you in the right place...really? What would have to change in order for you to love what you do? Sometimes we spend so much energy trying to be what we think we're supposed to be that we miss the thing we're actually supposed to be. I spent a great majority of my life doing just that. If you are exactly where you're meant to be then, woohooo! You have what everyone deserves in life. If you feel a bit off, try to figure out why that is. Change is scary, but when you are following your path to your truth, you know it, and it'll be the best thing you ever did.

In progress... Mid-Week Edition

I always seem to have a lot of projects "in progress". Sewists (and probably other artists) like to call these UFOs, or UnFinished Objects. I suppose there are certain finishing touches I find tedious. Sometimes I don't finish things because I don't like how they're turning out (see my post, "What is "Perfect" Anyway?"). However, I'm beginning to think that it's linked somehow to some sort of fear of completion. That if I complete a piece of art or a garment or whatever, I'll lose the part of me that created it. I rarely wear what I make because I haven't put the buttons on, perhaps the sleeves aren't in, or I can't find the right trim. Maybe my overactive imagination is already on to the next thing. Whatever it is, I aim to find out and my goal is to complete every project I begin (or have begun) this year. I will be blogging about it, just so's you're prepared for that.

I mean, for crying out loud! I have more fabric than I know what to do with. A large portion of it is "attached" to a project. Some of them have all the components needed to make said project (zippers, buttons, thread, pattern) I just haven't bothered to take the time to do them. Why not? I'm not going to put too fine a point on it, but let's go with depression.

Depression is one of those things I have to deal with on a daily basis, particularly in the Minnesota Winters. Not for nothing, it blows. I've dealt with it, for better or worse, for around 20 years. Just after the New Year, I sucked it up and went to my doctor for other options. He upped my dosage of Prozac and added Abilify. I'm going to a talk therapist for the first time in years to see if that'll do any good. I've also started taking an additional 2000mg Vitamin D. I saw a report on the news that up in this area there's no way to get enough D in the winter. If you're feeling blah during the dark months, maybe try some D.

I'm not going to suggest medication to anyone, that's between you and your own doctor, but I have to say that, since I switched up my meds, I'm getting things done for a change. I even sold my first piece (Rachel's "Happy Accidents" quilt). That's what I've wanted to do with my artwork for a long time. But as I near completion of this project, my heart races, my palms sweat, I become overwhelmed with the idea of just pressing the top and back on my little ironing board. I have to finish "Happy Accidents"! She's paying me for it!

Probably another reason I'm scared to finish it is this problem many artists have. I'm sure it has an official medical term, but lacking that (and, frankly, not feeling like googling it at the mo') I'm going to call it "Fraud Syndrome". I know many artists of various ilk who suffer from this, and we do suffer. We are in agony that, if someone takes any more than a passing glance at our work, we'll be outed as snake oil salesmen, that we aren't really very good at we do, after all.

Once again, I refer you to "What is "Perfect" Anyway?" I had been posting photos of my project on facebook as I made progress. My friends were all amazed by my artwork. The future owner claimed it was "Perfect". Shozzbot. As I was pressing it this morning, all I could see were the imperfections, the seams that didn't quite line up, the loose threads that would need trimming, the cat hair... Hadn't I just run it through the dryer to get the cat hair off?

Another thing that's making me panic is that I've decided to go to a sewing support group in Minneapolis. Sewtropolis has a quilter there and I've made up my mind to have her do the actual quilting of the...quilt. I read her preparation requirements for having her do the work and I panicked again. It's not going to be good enough for her to do it! NOOO!!! While it'll probably be just fine, I'm worried that it's not good enough for her to do the work. My conversion disorder has decided to make an appearance and I've had to walk away from my studio for the time being. However, as I was folding the top and backing in preparation to go to Sewtropolis, I thought, "Maybe they can help me prep this? Maybe they have a nice, big ironing board I can use? Maybe the quilting lady can help me with the prep?" After all, isn't this what I wanted to do: sell my art?

My dad sold his art and it was a nice sideline for his day job. I used to go with him and my mom to set up his booth at the art fairs and craft shows around my home town. I was fascinated by the variety of pieces at the shows, and I usually got to pick out something I liked from one of the other booths. My corn-husk doll still hangs on the wall at my mom's house and I still have a couple of rag dolls from back then. Come to think of it, I seem to remember seeing a few of his UnFinished Objects at my mom's house when last I visited. For the most part, though, he finished his work. But I digress...

I really loved going to the art fairs. I'd observe as my dad worked the crowd, ever the elegant, unassuming jokester, and inevitably he'd make a sale. I used to watch as he'd record the sale in a special leather-bound notebook. He would even record where the paintings were going; sometimes they stayed in town, sometimes they went as far as Alaska. On one occasion, when my father was dying of a brain tumor, a painting came back. It's a beautiful oil painting of our neighbor's iris garden. It was the last thing he had painted. They brought it back when he was in hospice because, as they said, it had brought them so much joy, they felt he should be able to see it as he was preparing to die. My mom still has it, almost 20 years later.

Dad also kept meticulous notes on the title, size, colors and other features of the paintings, just in case someone wanted one they had seen but someone else bought it first. He could recreate things a bit better than I can.

One of my dad's paintings.

Maybe that's why I'm afraid to finish a project: I might have to make another one! (Clutches pearls) I could never! Could I? Do I even want to? I really don't know. As with "Happy Accidents", most of my projects are on a whim, not following a pattern. I'll use a technique that I've read about and give it a shot, or use a fabric that isn't suggested for a pattern or garment type. I like to think outside of that proverbial box. This would be easier if my own brain wasn't already a Pandora's Box of ideas all jumping around at the same time, vying for my attention.

I do have an etsy shop, there's nothing in it at the moment, but I have one. I have some finished crocheted items (it's easy to be done when you run out of yarn). I've been worried about taking pictures of this stuff. I can't afford models and a photographer; everything I've made is either a garment or accessory and I'm not a great photographer myself. So I had to do some more sucking up and ask around to a few of my friends. I haven't got it scheduled yet, but I have a photographer and probably a couple of models this Spring to have photos ready and chosen for Summer and Fall. You can bet your sweet patootie I'll be blogging about that, too.

Well, I have some fabric in the dryer that's about ready, some of which will make that backing for a quilt top I made yesterday. I call this one, "Le Jazz Noir".

Sadly, when I went back to the store, all of the skyline fabric was gone. I was taking a chance getting it at a going out of business sale, anyway. I did pick up some more of the burgundy floral though, and it turns out that, between what I already had and what I picked up today, I'll have enough to make the backing for this one. Another "Happy Accident"...

No assignment this week, my little flowerpots. Just keep going through your stash and UFOs and plowing forth!