Be well, do good - Mid-week Edition

Wellness defined is a "state of balance or alignment in body, mind, and spirit. In this state, we feel content; connected to purpose, people, and community; peaceful and energized, resilient and safe. In short, we are flourishing."

If you've been following along so far, you'll know that last year I had a nervous breakdown. My life was way out of balance. I'm working on finding balance and wellness this year. Part of that is working on my art and another part is trying to find a connection to a purpose.

I'm feeling very much in tune with my path as a massage therapist. It's something that will allow me to be with people and to serve them on their path to wellness. I really don't know why I didn't think of this before.

That's not entirely true. I was forcing myself into acting which, while important to me and something at which I'm certainly  talented, always seemed to feel like I was doing it for someone else. I've been doing "what was expected of me" for a very long time. Not to say I haven't rebelled in there at times. Not only did I outwardly rebel by not even going to auditions and doing things many people do when they rebel (smoking, drinking too much, general unruliness) but last year my body physically rebelled on me. It's only now as I look back at my life I begin to see that what some people may have thought was my rebellious behavior was really me finding my authenticity in a world where being like everyone else was most desirable.

I wanted desperately to walk into a casting office and have them say, "I like you, you're different." What I was told to do was figure out who I was like. What already famous actor was I most similar to in looks, personality? Which character in what show was I? Was I a Rachel or a Phoebe? I couldn't see myself as anyone but myself and that posed a big problem. Me, myself and I simply weren't good enough. For over 20 years I've been struggling with who the heck I am. I've gotten to a point where, if I don't sort this out and soon, we're going to have trouble beyond a nervous breakdown.

(potty mouth warning)

It's scary as shit trying to figure this out. All the times when I strove to be my authentic self, there were always people telling me I couldn't do that. Casting directors, agents, boyfriends, friends, family, everyone has had an opinion about who I am supposed to be - except me. I've only dipped my toe in the authenticity pool and every time I was bitten. Sometimes by tadpoles, sometimes by piranhas. So I've been afraid of myself for a very long time.

Well, no wonder I had a nervous breakdown! Everything I thought I knew about myself was coming down around me like glass from a cracked mirror. I have the scars to prove it. I still have the occasional facial tic and my hands will tense up at inopportune times. I'm usually able to take it down a notch before anyone notices, but it's there. I've noticed that it tends to happen when I'm about to do something that "just ain't right"...for me, that is. Also when I'm tired. 

So I'm finally at a point where I don't care what people may think of my pink Bob's Big Boy hair and my weird sense of humor. There are some people in the world who just aren't going to get me and that's okay. I can take them or leave them. I'm finally making peace with that. I'm not always going to be what other people expect of me, but as long as I'm doing good and being well, I'm just not going to worry about that any more. It's too much work and much to painful. It would be so much easier if I could just be me. I'm pretty cool, actually. I'm kind and compassionate, funny and friendly, smart and sassy. Like Grover would say, "And I'm cute, too!"

My flowerpots, I hope you are able to be yourselves. If not, I at least hope you can find a way to become yourselves.