Flood warning alarm on my phone went off in the middle of the night. We aren't in an immediate danger area, but that warning was no joke. The rain has been going on and off since yesterday afternoon and it's hard not to enjoy the rumbles of thunder and the rustling of sheets of rain on the roof. Our lawn has magically sprouted overnight.
Of course, we got our water park pool on Friday and put it up while the sun was still shining yesterday. It's laying, deflated in the back yard, which was mowed yesterday by my 11 year old (his first time). So, we'll have to wait a bit longer to use the pool, but the rain is so refreshing, I'm not going to complain too much. Even my kids seem to be okay with the extra waiting. Anticipation.
Anticipation is such a strange phenomenon. It can be an exhilarating, frustrating, crazy-making and wondrous time. Like when you've ordered something and hear the UPS truck rumble down the street but they don't stop at your house...yet. Or when you're all set to go to school but you still have to wait two months before the first day. Or studying for your first test in 20 some years, freaking out and imagining that you didn't take notes on the stuff that's actually going to be on the test. Yeah, I did that to myself last week. I may not have aced the tests, but I got all A's and B's. Stupid anxiety.
If you haven't guessed by now, I'm prone to anxiety. It's super fun. <sarcasm> At long last, I've figured out one trick to help: I don't cram. I stop studying for a test several hours before the actual exam time. If I don't, I only add to the pressure. When I'm in a show, I can't be one of those people who stands backstage with a script on opening night double checking lines. If I don't know it by opening night, I never will and I'll make something up. No lie. That's how I roll. I always seem to take that anxiety and make it work, but I can only do it if I stop myself before I go nuts. I've gone nuts. It's not fun.
Okay, I haven't actually gone nuts, but there was that nervous breakdown. I don't want that to happen again. Granted, some of what perpetuated the physical response was not knowing what was wrong and having to go through a million tests to figure out what it wasn't. You'd have trouble, too, if you were told you may have cancer, you may have MS, heck, "we just don't know what it is." That's enough to make anyone a little nuts.
Over the past year, so much has happened. I've had countless MRIs, a spinal tap (and the blood patch to close it up) and I've lived with not knowing if I had something acute or chronic. When you are faced with your mortality, you make a few changes.
I have created and helped to create more art in the past year than I ever have, whether it's sewing, painting, sketching, writing or performing. I've figured out that "what I really want to do" is help people. If I get to also make art and people kind of like/want it, great. When I tried to make art my life, I lost my spark. I worried more about if I could make a living at it and that stressed me out. Art stopped being an enjoyable endeavor when I started to worry about whether I'd be able to feed my family with it. My husband is close to retirement and I have to be able to contribute. Not only that, I need a purpose.
When I landed on Massage Therapy as a possible vocation, it was like doors not only opened, they flew open and all the porch lights went on. Since I started on the MT path, I've finished four art projects and made significant progress on several others. Something is working for me. I don't put any stock in supernatural forces, so I'm just going to say that I found my personal purpose. For many years, I tried to be what I thought people expected of me. I enjoyed much of what I was doing (performing), but still... something wasn't quite there for me. Now that I've come to this place, I feel pretty unstoppable. It's kinda scary. I've never felt this way about my life before, and the anticipation is pretty intense, but I've a good feeling about it this time. Finally.
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